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10. Settled In

24 May


Xander:  You won the lottery, why didn’t you buy a mansion?

Constance:  Just because a person has a lot of money doesn’t mean that they should spend it all. Besides it’s just the two of us, this is all we need.

Xander:  You would probably have to buy like…8 mansions to spend all your money anyway. Can you buy 8 mansions and have them all be connected to make a super mansion? That’s how you should have spent your money.

Constance:  I’m saving the money, that’s a concept that you should get into your head soon.

Xander:  Saving it for what? Tomorrow? You’re like 90.

Constance:  I’m 84, and what are you implying?

Xander:  Um…that I’m short sighted and can only think as far as the next day and not of the many years you still have ahead of you?

Constance: Smooth.

Constance:  You know, now that we’re living together this is your chance to butter me up, pamper me, tend to my every whim and tell me how I’m the best grandmother ever and how I’ve made such a lasting, positive impact in your life over the years.

Xander:  But you taught me never to lie.

Constance:  I can pay you to lie, you know I’ve recently acquired a vast fortune…

Xander:  Keep the money coming and the compliments will spill from my mouth like a waterfall.

Constance:  I better get what I pay for kid.

Xander:  Your beautiful smile is payment enough.

Constance:  Oh that’s good, keep it up and I might just include you in my will.

Xander:  Who else would you include besides mom?

Constance:  Oh I don’t know, maybe I’ll just give it all to a charity of my choosing.

Xander:  What a horrible thing to do…

Constance:  No dear, I think that’s the exact opposite of ‘a horrible thing to do’.

Xander:  Do you even pay attention to any charities or a cause that you would like to support that you’re able to think of one off the top of your head?

Constance:  Sure, how about…those animal people…um

Xander:  P.E.T.A?

Constance:  Yes that’s the one, Peter.

Xander:  It’s pee-tah. What are we making right now?

Constance:  Chicken pasta.

Xander:  Why?

Constance:  Because animals are delicious.

Xander:  Yes, P.E.T.A is a great candidate for your money.

Xander:  After lunch I’m going to go out with Quincy and Rachel.

Constance:  And leaving me with the dishes, how diabolical.

Xander:  Have we ever used these goggles for swimming?

Constance:  Of course not, these are strictly for onion cutting.

Xander: That’s the doorbell.

Xander:  Let me get your plate miss.

Constance:  That’s right, keep it up and you just might inherit my vast wealth.

Xander:  I’m not entirely sure it’ll be worth it.

Xander:  Hey guys.

Quincy: Xander, you ready to go?

Rachel:  Are you wearing swimming goggles?
Xander: We were cutting onions…

Rachel:  Hold on, hold on, I’m taking a mental picture so I’ll never forget this.

Xander:  …yeah thanks for that, let me put these inside.

Xander: Where are we going?

Rachel:  The cemetery, Quincy wants to see if there are any spooky ghosts there.

Quincy:  The scientific term is poltergeist, and there has been evidence in the past that they do in fact exist.

Xander:  He’s right, there’s been ‘Ghostbusters 1’, ‘Ghostbusters 2’…


Rachel:  ‘Casper’, the aptly titled ‘Poltergeist’…

Quincy: Hilarious, you know you can’t completely rule something out without first investigating it and coming to a rational and scientific conclusion.

Xander:  Do you think it’s safe to go to the cemetery without our proton packs?

Quincy:  You two aren’t going to keep this up the whole way there are you?

Xander:  It depends, when do you think this will stop being funny Rachel?

Rachel:  Probably never.

Xander:  Oh good.

Quincy: Yeah…great.

Ray Parker Jr.


9. Bishop & Knight

17 May


Quincy:  The garbage smelled like a rotting corpse, if you killed someone and asked me to dispose of the body you just made your newphew an accomplice to murder.

Rocko:  So…you know. I guess I would have had to tell you sooner or later. I just wish you were a bit older before you had to find out.

Sometimes, after I go to bed, I wake up in the middle of the street covered in blood and I find a body in the trunk of my car. I have no recollection of what happened between the time I went to bed and the time I came to, all I know is that I have to get rid of the body!

So I get in my car and hightail it back home. I chop up the body into little pieces in the basement and I keep the meat and mix it in with the rest of the food whenever I make us dinner.

By feeding it to you I’m getting rid of the evidence, whatever else is left would be unidentifiable by the police so I just put it in the trash and get you to throw it out on the curb. I wish I could stop Quincy, I wish I could.

Quincy:  You know, you’re a very twisted individual, and I can’t help but fear for my future knowing that you’re the primary influence in my life. Also, I’m forbidding you from reading anymore of those crime novels. You need a real hobby.

Rocko:  Ha! A real hobby huh? This sounds like a challenge, I’m beginning to think that you actually enjoy losing. But hey that works out because I actually like to win.

Quincy:  Uncle Rocko…don’t you think Dimitri should get a taste of his own medicine? Especially after what he did to Xander?

Rocko:  Quin…my motto has always been to fight fire with fire, and that’s why I can’t ever be a fireman. Admittedly, when I was your age I would have already gone over to the kid and shown him a piece of my mind. But then again that wouldn’t be very responsible advice to be coming from your uncle would it?

It’s probably best to just ignore the kid Quincy, I believe in Karma and I’m sure he’s getting what’s coming to him, if it hasn’t already. Anyway, why don’t you worry about more important things, like the fact that you’re about to be put into check mate in four movies. Hehehe.

Quincy:  Karma uncle Rocko? I don’t think I can believe in that. Mom and Dad were good people, they shouldn’t have…

What happened to your mom and dad wasn’t fair Quin…but good did come from it. We were never really close before, but now we’ve been brought together.

Quincy:  I know uncle Rock…I’m glad we’ve got each other.

8. Picture Perfect

10 May

Rachel:  Hey dad.

Rachel:  I think it’s time for a haircut, you’re starting to look like Conan..

David:  But I’m funny like Conan too right?

Rachel:  Well…funny looking, sure.

David:  Hilarious, my daughter, the comedienne ladies and gentlemen.

Rachel:  Well your sense of humour rubbed off on me I guess.

David:  Wouldn’t have had it any other way, I mean clearly you got it from me and not your mother. But let’s not tell her I said that, she wouldn’t be able to handle it with her lack of a sense of humour after all

Rachel:  Mhmm….sure dad. I’ll let you get back to work, I’m gonna go see what mom is up to.

Diane:  Tell your father that if I didn’t have a good sense of humour then our marriage would never have lasted since I wouldn’t have put up with him for this long.

Rachel:  Haha, good ear mom.

Rachel:  It’s good to have you back. It got a little lonely around here when you were at the hospital.

Diane:  Well it’s good to be back.

Diane:  I’m gonna start making dinner, you hungry yet?

Rachel:  Yeah I could go for some dinner.

Rachel:  Do you need any help?

Diane:  Oh no, that’s fine, no thanks.

Rachel:  Why don’t you ever let me help you make dinner anymore?

Diane:  Wash that bowl for me would you? And it’s not that I don’t appreciate your help cooking it’s just that I’d like it if the food turned out to be, you know, edible.

Rachel:  Everyone’s a comedian today…you know, I’ll never learn if you don’t teach me.

Diane:  Oh hey, who was that boy you were playing with when I picked you up at the beach? I haven’t seen him around before.

Rachel:  I can totally tell you’re changing the subject. That was Xander, he moved here with his Grandmother, right next door to Quincy’s house.

Diane:  Oh so that must be Constance’s grandson. Do you know why he moved here?

Rachel:  No, it didn’t come up. The old lady that lives by Quincy’s house is named Constance? How do you know her?

Diane:  Oh she used to work at the hospital in town. The nurses would tell me stories about this Constance that used to work there, apparently she was quite the character.

Rachel:  Should I call dad?

Diane:  No need, the second the smell of this reaches him he’ll be here faster than…

Rachel:  Head lice spreading through a kindergarten class?

Diane:  Erm no…but thanks for the visual right before dinner.

David:  I smell something delicious in here…

Rachel:  How’s the book going dad?

David: It’s going all right. I got a lot of writing done today, but then I smelled this and I had to get down here right away.

Diane:  Faster than headlice.

Rachel: Haha.

David:  Why are you guys talking about lice?

David:  Is that the special ingredient?

Rachel:  Dad!

Rachel:  That was delicious mom.

David:  Really good honey.

Diane:  Thank you, you two.

Gatekeeper by Feist

7. Broken Home

8 May

Feeling left out and having nowhere else to go, Dimitri headed home, the last thing on his list of places that he would like to be.

The smell of alcohol greeted Dimitri as he walked through the door, a courtesy not received from his own father who was too involved with the television.

As Dimitri inspected the man sitting on the couch before him, he wondered as he often did, “Is this the person that I’m going to become in 20 years?” The thought was enough to sour his mood even further.

‘Are you almost done with the t.v dad?” Dimitri asked.

‘Does it look like I’m done? Would I still be watching if I was?’ his father yelled. Dimitri asked himself why his father’s stern reaction was a surprise to him for this has been the only way that he has ever spoken to him.

‘I only asked if you were almost done, I didn’t say you were! I’m just wondering when yo…” his father cuts him off…

“DON’T talk back to me. Go tell your mother to cook up some dinner, and don’t come back here. I’m gonna lose my appetite if I have to look at you again.”

“Hurry up!” his father screamed over the voices in the television.

Dimitri braces himself. He knows how irritable his mother can get when she is woken up. At least more irritable than normal.

“Whaddya want huh?” she asks behind closed eyes.

Dimitri replies, “Dad said you need to cook dinner, he told me t…”

The sleepiness leaves her quickly and eyes now wide open she shouts, “That’s what you woke me up for huh? You two pigs can’t fend for yourselves, always relying on me to do this, do that.”

“He…he just asked me to tell you, I didn’t wa…”

“Get out of the way you piranha” she sneers at him

They’ve never really been much of a family. Their lives compartmentalized, kept away from each other most of the time. On the occasions that one is forced to interact with another there is always friction, an argument waiting to surface.

The small house wasn’t much of a home to Dimitri. It was certainly a house, but it was not a home. In Dimitri’s ideal home, the people within exchanged kind words instead of insults, smiles instead of scowls.

The atmosphere was suffocating. Some time alone allowed Dimitri to breathe a little.

Looking through the fridge Dimitri finds nothing but milk, a stick of butter, some sliced processed cheese and a lot of alcohol. “There’s nothing here to eat!” Dimitri exclaims out loud in the hopes that one of his parents will remedy the situation.

His father walks by and asks him to clean his plate. Dimitri is oblivious to the fact that his father took his serving, although it wouldn’t surprise him if his mother simply neglected to make enough food so that he could have some as well.

Another night at home.

Mistaken For Strangers by The National

6. Alone

6 May

com·pan·ion·ship

noun- association as companions; fellowship.

i·so·lat·ed

adjective- separated from other persons or things; alone; solitary.

de·spond·ent

adjective- feeling or showing profound hopelessness, dejection, discouragement, or gloom.

en·vy

noun- a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another’s advantages, success, possessions, etc.

an-ger

noun- a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.

ob·liv·i·ous

adjective- unmindful; unconscious; unaware

Whatever by Gnarls Barkley